I recently discovered this 'piece' of writing in the sent messages of my old high school email address. I wrote this when I was 16, and I think I must have been going through an intense 'tv comedy writer' phase. Management and Marketing was probably my favourite class I took in high school. Mostly because it was taught by the best teacher, and the students of the class were a very small group of kids who were all anomalies and straight up weirdos but in the best way. It was a perfect ethnic combo of freaks and geeks except in the 21st century in which changing someones screensaver to a picture of fecal matter replaces locker vandalism. I forget who resembles who in this fictional dialogue now, but If i were to ever write anything resembling a strange dysfunctional tv comedy I'm positive that I would look back to this classroom first for inspiration.
* * *
The Conversation
* * *
The Conversation
“Why would you even watch that
show?”
We were all sitting in our management
and marketing classroom, waiting for Mr.Olbricht to come in but 20
minutes had passed and somehow the conversation had led to T.V shows.
“Yeah, why would you watch
Ugly Betty? It’s just that dumb show about the Hispanic girl who
designs clothes right?”
“No, no, no. She works for a
fashion magazine, and she doesn’t know anything about fashion, but
then slowly as the show progresses she learns the tricks”
“That’s so stupid”
“That’s exactly like the Devil
Wears Prada. At least Anne Hathaway looks good”
“I think it’s an endearing show.”
“I think I’d rather watch My Family
on BBC”
“I guess it’s a guilty pleasure
show. Sort of like Hannah Montana”
Everyone looked up in unison with a
look of shock but hilarious agreement on their faces.
David spoke up “What’s Hannah
Montana?”
Whispers immediately broke out and
no-one knew what to say.
“How can you not know what Hannah
Montana is? Do you not know what the Disney Channel is as well?”
“No. I don’t”
“What the fuck is wrong with you
David.”
“Someone tell me what it is”
“Okay so basically, there’s this
hillbilly chick who suffers from multiple personality disorder and-“
“No she doesn’t you idiot,
she just has an alternative lifestyle as a teen pop star”
“Sounds like MPD to me”
“Go fuck yourself”
“Why are you getting so worked up?
It’s just a dumb kid’s show”
“My aunt co-wrote 3 episodes from
season 1. You know that short Spanish kid who runs the fruit stand at
the beach on the show?”
“No”
“Well his name’s Rico. And he’s
named after my little brother”
Even though a minute ago we were putting down Hannah Montana we all oo’ed and ahh’ed at this news.
A TV-show character being named after your sibling was a huge deal
regardless of what show, or which character. Matt, seeing a perfect
opportunity to crack a demented joke, spoke out.
“I was going to write a show called
“Alexis Texas””
“That’s not even funny Matt”
“Yeah that’s just stupid”
We all looked at Matt’s screen to see
that he had just google’d “Female names that rhyme with
American States”.
Deciding to let this one go we
continued our discussion
“Okay, okay, if you had to be a
character on a television show, who would you be?”
“Are cartoons included?”
“Yes”
“Is anime included?”
“Anime is cartoon idiot”
“Oh my god, no its not. It’s
entirely different”
“I’m sorry, but to me, cartoon is
animation. And so is anime, hence the name”
“It’s entirely different”
“How is it –“
“Just shut up okay.”
“Anime included guys”
“Uhmm”
“Okay let me think”
“I’ve got one”
“I’ve got a better one. I’d
probably want to be Rupert”
“Rupert? Rupert the bear? With the
red sweater and yellow scarf?”
“Yeah. He was the smartest out of all
his friends, had the best parents, I think he was an only child, and
often got to go on magical journey’s that weren’t stupid but a
delight to watch and made one long to be a part of his world”
We nodded our heads in agreement.
“Understandable. Alright. I’d want
to be Izzie on Grey’s Anatomy”
“Why the hell would you want to be
Izzie?”
“It’s not to really be
Izzie. It’s just to be on Grey’s Anatomy”
“And do what?”
“Tell Sandra Oh to stop kidding
herself and quit the television industry. She’s really something”
“I really like her. She’s funny”
“Okay. Just because you said that I’m
going to unplug a bunch of shit from the back of your computer”
“Okay I got one”
“No one cares Matt”
“Just listen. It’s cool. I’d want
to be Johnny Depp from Jump Street”
“That’s cool Matt, but everyone
stopped giving a shit the moment you opened your mouth.”
“Don’t you guys want to know why
I’d be him?”
“I want to be Naruto”
“Tell us why David”
“Okay, even though Sakura and Sasuke
hate him, it’s obvious that they would be nothing without their
united powers. Not to mention Sakura liking him as well. Sasuke also
thinks of him as his real true friend, you start seeing this as you
near the episodes in the early hundreds. Naruto also has the
doppelganger effect. Something I wouldn’t mind having myself”
“Who’s Naruto?”
“Okay it’s a show where-“
“All your choices are stupid. I’d
be Jackie from That 70’s Show”
“An obvious slut decision.”
Mr.Olbricht walked in, holding a copy
of Reservoir Dogs in one hand and The Corporation in the other.
“Sweet! Reservoir Dogs!”
“What? Oh no no no” he chuckled.
“We’ll be watching The Corporation today. Has anyone seen this
movie”
“Has anyone seen your face?”
“Hahaha”
“No really, let’s just watch
Reservoir Dogs Mr.Olbricht. I never knew you liked Quentin. I myself
am a big Pulp Fiction fan”
“What kind of asshole says that out
loud? We're all Pulp Fiction fans moron”
“Okay. Enough joking time”
“We weren’t joking. This is how we
are”
He ignored us and put in The
Corporation, while trying to hide reservoir dogs behind a stack of
books on legal studies. We settled into movie mode, where magically
someone pulled out a bag of Doritos’s and two pop cans from under
their desk. Instead of The Corporation coming on screen, a picture of
Dustin Hoffman acting disabled popped up and set into motion.
“Yo, what the fuck is this shit”
“This isn’t The Corporation”
“Hold on a second”
“Isn’t this the Rain Man. With Tom
Cruise?”
“I saw this movie in psych 3 months
ago. It was pretty lame”
“Hey. Which one of you guys caught
Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch like a mad man”
“Matt. Are you kidding me?”
“That happened 3 fucking years ago
man”
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